Panic ... Excitement ... ACFW

This time last year, I printed out one sheets and crammed four days worth of outfits into a small carry-on bag. Erynn and I flew from RDU to St. Louis for our first ever ACFW conference. I was overwhelmed and slightly panicky. Okay, I was moments away from a full blown panic attack. 

But the conference exceeded my highest expectations. (See posts here and here). God confirmed His will over and over again. I survived pitching to agents and an editor. I had lunch with the fabulous Melanie Dickerson, and I met the lovely ladies below. Amanda, Jess, Erynn, and I have become sisters and critique partners in the last year, and I cannot tell you how much knowing them has blessed me.

Last Year at ACFW with the Girls

This year, the conference is in Dallas, TX. I'll be flying alone. I'm not a newbie, and I've an agent pitching my book as well. Other things remain the same, like cramming four days worth of clothing (including a formal dress) into one carry-on bag.

I must admit to being anxious still. Even though I know what to expect. Pitching your book is a lot like asking a guy you like to the Sadie Hawkins dance—you still have to put your heart out there and hope it doesn't get squashed.

All I can do is trust God with my fragile heart and ask you to pray. So I will :) When you think about me over the next five days, would you please pray

• that I would feel well and have stamina despite the long, busy schedule,
• that I would find food to eat and enjoy without compromising the doctors' instructions,
• that God would grant me favor with whoever He wills,
• that God would strengthen existing relationships and initiate new ones,
• that I would seek out ways to encourage and support those around me.

God has a plan already set into motion for this year, and I'm praying my eyes are open to see it. Maybe this week will be even better than last year.

Erynn Won!

Some of you may have already heard since it's all over facebook and her blog, but I just wanted to say: Congratulations to Erynn for being the Suspense/Crime/Mystery winner of the Out of the Slush Pile, Novel Journey’s Fifteen Minutes of Fame Contest!

Erynn has worked hard to write, receive critique on, and edit Out Of Darkness in the last two years. I am so proud of her for finishing. I am proud of her for digging in and making it richer after a disheartening critique at the Blue Ridge Mountain Christian Writers Conference last year. I am proud of her for sticking to her deadline throughout May and June so she could complete the novel in time to enter this contest. Her faithfulness has certainly paid off, and I am so thankful to be her friend and celebrate this day with her.

Out Of Darkness is a beautiful picture of Christ's sufficiency in suffering, and I can't wait for it to be published so you all can read it!

And to my best friend, I love you and I just can't tell you how happy I am for you. I thank God on every remembrance of you. Thank you for sharing your life and your writing with me.

Standing on the sidelines for you is a blessing :)

Ten Minutes

During my vacation, I was able to complete over thirty glorious hours of writing and editing. However, "real life" has returned, and finding the time or energy to write has become a problem. In the last two weeks, I logged less than a hour on Unclean, and while I could list my perfectly reasonable excuses for why that is, it wouldn't solve my problem, which is I have to make progress on this second draft.

What's a girl to do?

I wasn't sure. Until I read a blog post by the awesome Lynn Blackburn. Lynn, who is a wife, a mom, a friend, and a writer, was having the same issues. So she shared this with another author who challenged her to work on her novel ten minutes a day.

Ten minutes?

That feels absolutely possible. Even when I feel exhausted. Even during a day filled with chores, bill paying, and errands. And even during a long day with Miss Thing.

That's what Lynn thought too.

So she challenged herself to write ten minutes every day in July and assess her progress at the end of the month, and I've decided to join her. Of course, I plan to write more than that on my weekly writing day, but if I can't because of circumstances outside of my control, I will still have at least five hours and ten minutes of editing complete at the end of the month.

And that sounds great to me.

What about you? Are you feeling stifled by life's demands? Do you wish you could clear more time on your schedule to do something God has gifted you with, something you love?

Want to join me?

Dreaded Week Two

I heard horror stories about Week Two (that's right it's capitalized). Everyone on the NaNoWriMo website talked about it being the week to push through. My inbox was flooded with e-mails from the NaNo team encouraging me to keep on going. Needless to say, I was intimidated by how hard they said it would be.

Turns out? It wasn't so bad. It was actually pretty great. Even considering the fact that I nannyed a very sick and unhappy baby last week. I was able to finish the week with 25,247 words (over the halfway point in just fourteen days)! And with those words came crazy, exciting, and frustrating new changes. Those changes? Well, I rearranged several chapters, had Maddison confess deeper feelings than I had planned, and added a death threat to the plot just to spice things up a bit. This story continues to surprise and excite me. And after a year of stumbling through six chapters of another project, I thank God for the fact that as of yesterday I had eleven complete chapters. ELEVEN!

And I would not have made it through these fourteen days without my family and friends asking me about the story, praying for me, and commenting on facebook. Three of these friends were special gifts last week, and so I'm going to brag on them a little bit 'cause I'm so grateful:

First, I have Sue. The woman who started the online crit group I've been a part of, and the woman who introduced me to NaNo and gave me great tips for preparing for it. My friend is already published, with good reason, and I can't wait to stand in line at a book signing for her. The novel she worked on during NaNo last year rocks my world, and I agree with Erynn that "it's gonna be huge." This wonderful writer friend is extra busy with a husband, her boys, civic duties, and her own writing pursuits, yet she has cheered me on in just about every facebook status, left me comments over here, and sent me links. If my book is half as good as hers, it'll be worth this crazyness. Sue's a genius and I'm so glad to know her.

Second, my friend Rebecca. She doesn't write fiction herself, but she will listen to me go on and on about mine forever. And she is always excited about it to. :) She has designated herself as the "spontaneous hang out friend" this month because she knows I can't make plans to be with friends but wants me to have a way to see one of my girls if I need a break or have already met my word count for the week. She drove up from Durham on Thursday night just to encourage me with her presence and pizza. She told me on Friday that she is already planning a celebration for the two of us at the end of this crazy draft. My job is just to let her know what day I finish. This mysterious celebration is motivation enough to finish.

Finally, my best friend and co-journeyer in this crazy writing process, Erynn. She's my accountability, in that I have to send finished chapters to her and keep them coming. She reads each one and then e-mails me only positive feedback so I am encouraged to keep on going. (In fact, after reading chapter ten, she paid me one of the highest compliments an author can receive). In addition, of her own accord, she's decided to critique every single chapter but save them up in a folder until the month is through so that I'm not tempted to revise early. Finally, she is fielding no less than two, and sometimes many more, phone calls a day when I start to freak out about what comes next or how my characters are complicating things. Most of the time, I just need to hear myself talking about the situation to realize what needs to happen (and that it's really not a crisis). But in the moments I need insight, I can call her and, without having to give her a complete backstory, ask for her input. Invaluable. She's completely invaluable to me, and I know I would've gotten off this crazy train in week one were it not for her counsel and her demands for more Noah.

To these three women, and all of my other sweet friends, thank you. I dedicate this month to you.

Now on to week three...

Hope Hurts

Why are we so uncomfortable with seeing the deep aches in other women? With admitting our own? Why must we be so ready with a band-aid or distraction?

You know what I mean—a friend is sharing from the deep well of her heart and the immediate response is compassion. The silent reaching out to her. And it is beautiful.

But short-lived.

Within moments, someone rushes in with a silver lining, a call to examine her heart for sin,or a word of advice. We wrap her problem up into a perfect package. We solve the puzzle. We brush over her pain. Or our own.
Why?

Why are we so like Job's friends? Who, to be fair, are better friends than us. They sat in silence for a week with Job before offering their advice (Job 2:12-13). They wept and were without explanations for seven days. Think about that. Seven days and seven nights of sitting in the ashes with a friend. Can we learn to do that? Oh, how I hope we can.

Because grief hurts. Unmet Longings ache. Life makes us groan. Even hope is painful at times.

And that's natural—not the way it should be, but the way it is. Because we live in a fallen world and Jesus has not yet returned to restore all of creation. Romans 8:18-26 tells us that creation itself groans and aches to be realized from the curse. That the earth experiences birth pains. If creation aches and cries out, doesn't it make sense that we would as well?

We do not experience contentment or fulfillment now because we are not meant to. This world is broken. And it is right for us to ache over what is skewed. It is right to hope for Jesus and life as He intends.

We have the hope of Jesus, and the Holy Spirit within as a foretaste, but we act as though any aching should have been abolished upon receiving the Holy Spirit. As though we should not struggle with the suffering we are promised.

But receiving the Holy Spirit actually awakens our eyes to just how broken the world and we are. To how much more we want right relationships, a godly marriage, or freedom from disease. Whether or not we experience the fulfillment of these longings here on earth, we will be more aware of the disparity between what life is and what life should be.

I think that's why hope hurts. To truly hope we have to acknowledge just how deeply we want the fulfillment. And just how broken we will continue to be without it. We want something we cannot see—and cannot control (Rom. 8:24). And even to admit that deepens the longing's ache. Praying about it pokes at the pain. Talking about it causes it to throb. Waiting with patience, as we are commanded to do in Rom. 8:25, hurts. It is easier not to want, to be dead to our longings and to distract ourselves with lesser things.

Because hope is messy. It's raw and rather like childbirth. And while its fulfillment is always worth it, that doesn't lessen the pain. Can you imagine telling a woman in the throes of a 24-hour labor that her pain is really not so bad because she'll have a baby by tomorrow? While that might be true, it is not helpful and it just may get you killed.

Which brings me back to my original questions—Why do we try to fix the problems of our beleaguered friends? Why do we distract ourselves from our true longings? For some of us, we just aren't comfortable with these emotions and we hate that someone is in pain. We want it to go away. For others, I think we speak into it because it is messy and that doesn't fit with our perspective of the Christian's victorious life. Regardless of which reason, most of the time, it's about feeling better and not about serving another person or growing ourselves. I know because I do it. More than I wish I did.

So what should we do? Give into the pain and sit in the ashes forever? Absolutely not. For the woman who has Christ has hope. A day is coming when life will be as it was meant to be—full of joy, contentment, love, security, and LIFE (Rev. 21:4). We must never forget this in our encouragements and prayers.

But, more often that not, we need to enter into the messy aching and groaning, the ash-covered grief, for ourselves and with our friends. We need to sit and be silent and pray and love. We need to acknowledge the pain and how hard it is and may continue to be. We need to weep with those who weep (Rom. 12:15). And ache with those who ache. And get up only when God says to do so.

Practicing Gratefulness

It's been a hard summer, but tonight I want to dwell on God's blessings, especially those within the last week. Why?

Because He commands it: "...give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (1 Th. 5:18). And because in this difficult season, I can still see his goodness to me. So, here goes:

I am grateful that I was able to help move Hope into her freshman dorm at North Greenville University last Friday. She's got a heart for Jesus and a passion to take the harder path, and I'm proud of her.

I am grateful that the whole family was part of the move! What a fun day--especially since it's Faith and I's Alma mater as well.



I am grateful that I got to enjoy a visit and dinner with my Granny on my way back to the mountain. Dinner consisted of western North Carolina BBQ (i.e., not vinegar based), hushpuppies, and good conversation :)

I am grateful for my parents' quiet and consistent obedience on the mountain and their quiet and consistent love for me.

I am grateful for my roommate--her food experiments (that I get to sample), her wisdom, her perspective on singleness, her encouragement in food/exercise discipline, and even her rants. This week has been a lot of fun. Check her out here :)

I am grateful for 90 calorie Snickers Ice Cream Bars. Sometimes the smallest pleasures mean so much. Especially when you are counting your calories and pushing a stroller around the mall just to get some exercise in!

I am grateful that Faith is coming to spend the night with me tomorrow. Even though she's coming for other reasons, I'm really glad I'll get to see her for a little while. She's become such a disciplined, focused, beautiful young woman and I'm so proud she's my sister. Oh, and she has a fun food blog too.

I could continue, but I'll save those for my prayers tonight. May God bless you with eyes to see His good gifts in the same way....

Faithful In The Everyday

Several weeks ago, I picked up Noel Piper's Faithful Women & Their Extraordinary God. I've owned the book for a while and decided it was time to sit down and read the biographies of the five godly women Piper chose.

Sarah Edwards, Lilias Trotter, Gladys Aylward, Esther Ahn Kim, and Helen Roseveare were all women who chose to be faithful to their Savior and the callings He had given them. Their lives spanned 250 years but all showcase a beautiful lesson--What God can do in and through one surrendered life.

I have always had great respect for Sarah Edwards, wife of Jonathan Edwards. Her faithfulness in the mundane tasks of running a household so that her husband could be free to fulfill his calling to pastor challenges me. She was a true Proverbs 31 woman. A wife and mother who loved her family, directed their home with precision and care, and served the young ministers who came to study with Jonathan. Although I am not a wife or mother, being a nanny has taught me a little about the uninspiring routine of laundry, changing diapers, and making bottles. Don't get me wrong--I know these are important tasks. Being a helpmeet to your husband and raising little souls is one of the highest callings one can have, but that doesn't mean some of the daily responsibilities are exciting, appreciated, or eternal. They are, however, part of a larger foundation of love, faithfulness, and service which allowed Sarah's influence to reach far beyond the four walls of her house. And for that, I am both grateful and humbled.

Helen Roseveare is also a model of faithfulness. I was unfamiliar with Helen before reading Piper's book, but her life and journey with God give me pause. Helen was born in England and spent most of her life serving as a missionary doctor in Zaire (then known as the Congo). Facing language barriers, unsanitary conditions, political coups, illness, and rape, Helen lived and doctored among the people God had called her to for over twenty years. I don't face any of those challenges currently, but my spiritual struggles are similar to hers. I am tempted by pride, self-righteousness, and perfectionism just as she was. God used the problems above to work these sins out of Helen's life, and I know that He will do the same for me although the circumstances might be different.

Commenting on perfectionism and lofty goals, Piper said, "Perhaps [this] is an issue for some of us--struggling with the reality that God has called us to do less than we want to do or less than what we believe is best. That can happen in any setting. For me, it's been especially true in my years with small children--'I got a college degree for this?' Maybe our problem is the way we see ourselves. Maybe we think more highly of ourselves than we ought.... When God called Helen to less than she expected, he was helping her become like Christ, rather than like the best doctor or missionary she knew of." *

What a true statement. Doing what I love well, getting paid for it, and earning the respect of my peers doesn't necessarily make me more like Jesus and give God a greater opportunity for glory. But doing what's right and loving and selfless when I'm exhausted, covered in spit up, and haven't heard more than "ma ma ma ma ma" all day, that--for me--is the true test of faithfulness. It's sanctification. And a chance for God's strength to be made great in my weakness.



_____________________
*Noel Piper, Faithful Women & Their Extraordinary God (Crossway: Wheaton, IL), 172.

Am I Sane And Sober? Are We?

"What steps are you going to take to keep your mind sound and your heart sober so that you don't gradually slide into the subtle mental delusion that this world is what really matters, and then lose your alien identity? If this fall you slowly show the signs of dabbling with the mind-altering pleasures of the world, who is going to be close enough to spot it? I urge you to consider that this is what small groups at Bethlehem are for. They are meant to combat the creeping, drunkening, mind-altering, deluding effects of this God-ignoring world. They are meant to be recurrent jolts of reality. Repeated sessions of reality therapy. They are meant to be bi-weekly sessions where the first stages of addiction to the world can be detected and lovingly confronted and remedied with the Word of God and the power of the Spirit." -John Piper

(from "How Aliens Keep the Identity of The Homeland" based on 1 Peter 1:1-2, 4:7-10).

Wisdom From Betty Crocker

"Hail to the women of America! You have taken up your heritage from the brave women of the past. Just as did the women of other wars, you have taken your positions as soldiers on the Home Front.... The efforts and accomplishments of women today are boundless! But whatever else you do--you are, first and foremost, homemakers--women with the welfare of your families deepest in your hearts."

General Mills as "Betty Crocker" wrote the above in 1943's Your Share: How to Prepare Appetizing, Healthful Meals with Foods Available Today. World War II, and the responsibilities it required, proved that women were equal to men in person and ability without destroying the dignity of a homemaker. Reminiscent of the woman described in Proverbs 31, many ladies stepped out of the house for the sake of their families and the men overseas. Living within God's design to selflessly care for their husband and children as men are called to selflessly provide for and protect their wives, sons, and daughters.

How refreshing to find a mindset that applauds both a woman's role in the marketplace and in the home. May we not lose that viewpoint completely in our generation.

A New Opportunity To Stand Still

How quick I am to want to make a plan, explain my reasoning, argue my case, etc. So begins my Tampa update....

In May, the Perrys and Tuckers moved to Tampa; already, we have been given opportunities to rejoice over the hearts God prepared before their arrival. Both couples have had the opportunity to build relationships with neighbors, business contacts, and moms who are, at the very least, eager to get to know the team and be known by them. I am so excited about the men and women God has given Justin, Jackey, Drew, and Jessi to love.

Excited enough that I began counting down the days until my arrival! After all, I visit in less than a month, and my job here in Wake Forest ends 19 days later. With the timeline under 2 months, the discussions about my move have taken on a more technical nature. During one of these discussions, it became apparent that the team had not been aware that I was planning on moving regardless of whether or not I had found a job. This fact has made both families concerned on my behalf. I know they love me and want to know they are giving the best counsel possible. It is because of this concern that they have talked about the idea of me not coming until I have secured a job.

I must confess that I have been discouraged because this shift would change a lot of my plans as it is not an option to remain on the payroll at InQuest or in my apartment with Lauren. Everyone is praying that God would give us discernment about the timing of my move.

One thing I do know--God is sovereign and has not been caught by surprise at this situation. He has continually prompted me to submit to whatever His decision would be. I do not wish to be impatient. I believe He has offered me another opportunity to stand still and wait on Him. And I truly do not wish to be like the Israelites who ran after other rescuers and plans because God was not acting in the time period they thought He should (Isa. 30:1-5). I pray, and would ask you to pray, that I would wait on Him not only for when I am to move to Tampa but also for when I am to know when I'm going to Tampa. I pray that my attitude would be that of Isaiah 30:15, 18: "For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength'.... Therefore, the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him."

I am grateful for each one of you who has promised to pray with me, and I apologize that I have not been as faithful in updating you as I should have been! Over the next several weeks, would you pray:

1-That God would be glorified above all else.
2-That I would submit to our Heavenly Father and the team.
3-That Justin, Drew, Jackey, and Jessi would have great discernment as to how to counsel me.

Until He moves....

Moving Week for the Perrys/Tuckers

What a week! And it's only Tuesday. :) We've had the commissioning service for Covenant Life's pastors and families, a corporate prayer meeting for both church plants, and a going away party for the Tuckers. Tomorrow it'll be time to finish loading boxes, wipe down counters, and say goodbye to the Perrys and Tuckers.

Goodbye for 12 weeks. Everyone keeps saying it'll go quickly, and I'm sure it will. But I'm going to be missing them nonetheless! Would you please remember both families as they are on the road Thursday and unpacking this weekend. They would ask you to pray for safety during travel, opportunities to share even as they travel and unpack this weekend, and that they would love each other well during this transition.

Thanks for praying!!

And an update on me & Tampa is coming this weekend. :)

Joining God in Tampa

I feel like I must acknowledge and apologize for the fact that it's been 3 months since I've updated. There's really no excuse for it, but I am going to take this post to let you know what I've been up to for the last 3 months! Does that help? :)

In October of last year, I was given the privilege of covenanting with Jessi, a dear friend, to pray for her, her husband, and the Perrys as they began to transition towards planting a church in Tampa, FL. As I prayed for the team, I was overwhelmed time and again by the way God was flinging open doors for them. We were clearly seeing God move on behalf of His Church and how humbling that was. Psalm 27:13 says, "I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!", and I began to identify this verse with our meetings.

As I prayed, God prompted me to pray more, look for ways to serve the Tuckers and Perrys, and plan to give financially towards their support. With each step, God gave me an incredible joy in obedience. He has been so gracious to allow me to watch Him move in my friends' lives and for Tampa.

However, it didn't feel like enough. I wanted to do more. And so I began praying that God would allow me the opportunity to join the team in Tampa and serve them there. I can be prone to jump ahead of God with an idea, so I wanted to take my time praying before speaking with anyone. For a month and a half, I prayed without letting anyone know that I was considering it, and God only grew my desire to go with the team. God reminded me that loving the Perrys and Tuckers was not enough of a reason to go, and I began praying that He would allow me to have an affection for the students, moms, exotic dancers, baristas, assistants, and other women in Tampa so that I could like Paul say, "So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us" (1 Th. 2:8). Without even knowing the women in Tampa, I can tell you I am already praying for them often and long to love them as salt and light in a dark city. At the time I was praying, I didn't know how the team would feel about my coming but had pretty much decided to go regardless. :)

I let my parents and Lauren, my roommate, know what I was praying and asked them to pray as well for a month without talking to me about it. They did so. During this time, I began reading through Matthew in my quiet times and Jesus' call to "Follow Me" and the emphasis on God's sovereignty in calling the nations only deepened my desire to be where I knew He was working. Matthew 4 was especially convicting as the disciples immediately got up and followed Jesus; I mulled over the ESV Study Bible's notes for verses 18-19: "These brothers had been followers of Jesus for about a year...but apparently had returned for a time to their normal work.... Jesus calls them to abandon their ordinary occupations...and accompany him full-time." It reminded me that Jesus has called me full-time--all of my life must revolve around Him and His mission. I began sensing this when I returned from Venezuela two years ago, prompting a change of jobs so that I could spend more of my time volunteering and with my sisters in Christ. It wasn't enough.

After praying, Lauren gave me her complete and joy-filled blessing. According to her, she wasn't surprised and she wanted me to leave whenever I wanted to; (my name isn't on our lease, and she let me move in with her as a blessing to me and not because she needed a roommate--now I see God's orchestration even in this). My parents gave their cautious but affirming approval. (This is, after all, a bad time to move without a job because of the economy, and I will be the only member of my family on both sides who lives outside of NC).

In the next several weeks, I had the opportunity to tell both Jessi (Tucker) and Jackey Perry about my desire to move to Tampa in order to be a core group member for the church. The team as a whole has been excited and incredibly supportive. I respect these couples greatly and am looking forward to serving them in Tampa, and to have their encouragement has been so affirming. As I told the women in my small group and my girl friends, the response was overwhelmingly a lack of surprise and support for something we have been praying about for 2 years now. (After a year and a half of feeling like I was living life in a "holding pattern" without knowing what I was "holding" for, God has given me direction towards church planting, an area I've been praying about since May of 2007). When I look back over the notebook I put together when I first starting praying about church planting and full-time missional ministry, I can lay Covenant Life Church's information beside it and they match almost exactly. Praise the Lord! God has allowed me to partner with a team I've been praying for since the summer of 2007.

At this time, it was looking like I would not be able to move until January of 2010, a month which seemed entirely too far away. I began praying that God would free my commitments and the finances to allow me to move in August before the college students at the University of Tampa arrived for their next semester. In late January, God led me to 2 Corinthians 8-9 and Matthew 6:19-34; 2 Corinthians 9:8 says, "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work." As I meditated on these passages and read Randy Alcorn's The Treasure Principle, God challenged me to abound in every good work here and trust Him to take care of the means to live in Tampa. And how gracious He's been to do just that. During the last month, God has providentially freed almost $4000 that I can now commit towards getting to and living in Tampa, which means that I can and am planning to move in August.

Since December of 2006, God has said to me, "Wait. Wait on me. Wait for Me to move." And He is moving in Tampa. One of the principles from Henry Blackaby's Experiencing God that comes often to mind now is look for where God is working and join Him there. I am almost without words (seriously) that He is choosing to let me live and work in Tampa-a city full of people that desperately need Jesus, and He is "turning ground" to give them Himself. God has been preparing Tampa for His presence in a new way, and I am excited and nervous and so grateful that I will be able to be there in the city as He moves!

Praise the Lord for He is good and His love endures forever! Praise the Lord.

In the coming months, I will be posting updates and prayer requests here for me and the team and covet your prayers as I step out into this new season with God.

If you would like more information about Covenant Life Church and/or Tampa, I would encourage you to visit: Covenant Life's website.

Evidences of Grace

Only 3 days after I received the roses, life changed, again. In the last three weeks, I have found myself asking questions I thought I had answered and wading through feelings supposedly dead and buried. I feel pulled backward and afraid of becoming stuck here. Wasn't I past this?

And, honestly, I find myself asking God why? I thought I was turning a corner in the tunnel which would lead me down the last few steps out into the open air only to find the corner another passageway in itself.

We all have those days, weeks, years—seasons of life—when it takes every fiber in your being to trust God and continue in obedience and joy. To some extent the last two years have been that season for me. In the midst of the gray and sometimes lonely road, I have found two (at least) helpful activities:

Look for God’s grace here. Be vigilant in asking God to open your eyes to what He is doing even now. Be sensitive to moments you hear His voice or see His provision. And when you see those “evidences of grace,” no matter how small, tell people about them—praising God will help you to focus on His presence and sovereignty in this place. Don’t stop there though: write these evidences of grace down.

What am I praising God for today? Well, in these past three weeks, I have had the opportunity to be prayed with by three separate sisters who let me cry, spoke encouragement to my heart, and were each led to pray passages of Scripture which the Holy Spirit had already brought to my mind. Their presence alone is an evidence of grace. The reality that these dear friends reaffirmed words which God had already spoken to me is evidence that He is here. More than here.

Similarly, remind yourself of God’s history of grace, both scripturally and personally. Just as the 12 memorial stones stood beside the Jordan after Israel crossed it on dry ground, the Bible stands as our record, our sign, of the might, love, and wonder of the God who has acted on behalf of His people (Joshua 4:1-10; cf. Deuteronomy 6). The Old Testament, specifically Psalms and 1 & 2 Samuel, has been particularly sweet to me because of the record of how often the God of the Universe intervenes on behalf of His people. Remember His character. Likewise, spend some time reading back over old journals or notes from years past; remember God’s legacy of grace in your life as well. This is why I would encourage you to write the evidences of grace down as you become aware of them. On those days when I can’t see God’s provision in my life, I pull out my little black notebook and remind myself of what He did or showed me yesterday, last month, or two years ago. Doing this, allows me the opportunity to "Remember," an encouragement which is given at least 25 times in the Old Testament.

In my next post, I’ll invite you into one moment in God’s history of grace with me. But first...

It’s your turn. To this point in my short blogging history, I haven’t asked for anyone’s participation—but I would be so encouraged to hear about what you see as God's evidence of grace to you now. I would ask you to e-mail me (or leave a comment below) concerning something God has done for you in the last month, something only He could orchestrate, knowing your need. I would truly love the opportunity to praise the Lord with you for His provision in your walk with Him.

"So I find this law at work..."

Are you ever humbled by your own depravity? This week I received a reminder of how much selfishness lives on in my flesh. I was especially humbled by the absolute irony behind and deceitfulness of my sin. I was also reminded of Hebrews 3:13, "But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin"; hence this post.

Let me explain. Late Thursday evening, I e-mailed a couple of girlfriends inviting them to go see the movie Fireproof with me. I explained that as this movie deals with the weighty questions of marriage, sacrificial love, divorce, etc., I would love the opportunity to see the movie with them. I suggested that we take our Bibles to Starbucks after the movie to discuss how we thought the movie handled these concepts and what we, as single women, could do to think rightly about and prepare well for marriage. I was very excited about opening God's Word with these two women. So excited in fact that I downplayed that I had verbally told another friend that I had no plans for Friday night, thus committing to spending the evening with her.

On Friday morning, I rationalized that we hadn't set up specific plans for the evening; she had simply asked if I was free and let me know that her husband was working for the weekend. And, I thought, how encouraging it would be to spend the evening with my sisters in Christ as we discussed God's Word and how we could hold each other accountable to exhibiting godly qualities in any relationships we might have.

I set up a time to meet my girl friends, and even called the friend I had made plans with to ask her to reschedule. She graciously (yet honestly) agreed to make alternate plans for herself and see me another time so that I could go to the movies with the other ladies. And then--praise the Lord--the Holy Spirit deepened the unease He'd been placing in my spirit all morning.

"What business do you have going to talk about loving and serving someone well when you are breaking your word with another person to do so? Can you ask someone else for integrity in his/her speech if you so easily change plans with someone you love?"

And it hit me. I selfishlessly wanted to talk about the servanthood in marriage issue with my two friends. I wanted it so badly that I was willing to leave a long time friend alone for the evening and expected her seal of approval to do so because I was ditching her to do such a godly thing. I was taking advantage of the fact that she has been my friend for years and would forgive me for backing out on our plans for more exciting ones.

Wow.

The complete lack of regard for another person brought me up short. If I selfishly put my own desires before my friends' feelings and my own integrity because I am comfortable with them, then I will, quite likely, do the same with my husband.

I was given a unique opportunity to practice true love with a sister in Christ and failed miserably. I am humbled by the fact that I was unaware of the temptation to sin until after I had sinned. My mindset was completely unguarded.

This reminds me of Paul's words in Romans 7:21-25a, "So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my [body] another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in [me]. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Praise the Lord that Jesus Christ is working redemption and freedom in me for without Him I am bound to sin even when I desire to do the right thing (Rom. 8:1-11; Phil. 1:6)!

Finally, what must change because of this experience?

• I must make it a conscious effort to practice integrity in every relationship I have.
• I must make it a concerted discipline to choose the other person's best interest with everyone I come in contact with (from my boss and coworkers and my friends to my roommate and my family) and not just my future husband, sons, and daughters.
• I must continue to ask myself if I am guilty of taking advantage of those people closest to me.
• I must guard myself against focusing on serving one person to the detriment of others and ask myself if I am overlooking anyone in my desire to serve certain individuals.
• I must remember Philippians 2:3-8--"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."

How grateful I am that Romans 7:21 is not the end of the story. "Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it" (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24).

Conduits of Grace

"Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who wait for Him." Isaiah 30:18

This weekend was a discouraging and exhausting one. I returned from rainy Chicago disappointed and desiring to go to bed and sleep for days instead of jumping into the week before me. However, God was gracious to me. Within a little over 12 hours of my return, two separate friends encouraged me greatly. I received sympathetic phone calls, offers to run errands, specific prayers on my behalf, and a very colorful and noisy card! Their thoughtfulness was humbling and cherished. These women made me smile and want to reach out again. They both served as portraits of Gal. 6:10 to me.

They were conduits of grace. I do not remember where I first heard this phrase; it certainly is not original to me. But how fitting this imagery has been for me in the last several months. You see the presence of these sisters in my life is not an indicator of grace, and their absence would not signal its desertion. God's grace is not dependent on either the wonderful people or great situations in my life. His presence is grace. His character alone is evidence of goodness regardless of whatever else may be. Or not be.

And yet, I am so grateful that my Father is a God who sometimes chooses to use human hands and feet to show His love and remind us that He knows. He prompted both of these women to love me a little more personally on Monday. He used them to bless me. He is the author of their kindness. They are simply conduits, people through which He says, “I love you; see how I want to be gracious to you.”

Praise the Lord that He is gracious. Praise Him that He chooses, at times, to physically SHOW us grace and love. Praise the Lord.